Interesting article

-something I have seen even in my life. He hit the target when it comes to how things can go. check out the "rules we don't know"
it is so true.

What a difference a day makes

-How true that is.
One day I will be all smiles with joy abounding from unknown places,
my heart will flutter at the sound of a well played note,
eyes jumping to the visions of things unseen,
my hands rejoice in the work that I put them to
my feet long to run for the sheer pleasure of running.
The very next day can be agony in abundance,
with heart lagging in the depths of things beyond,
fingers tingling with the pain of a death not yet beheld,
hair standing on the ends of itself
a reminder of the agony you share with no one.
Each finger is hangnailed and bleeding,
eyes are blood shot and watering,
so many tear you cry,
so many things inside.
Why does the world look at us like it does?
What do they think?
That our lives are all easy and never hard?
That I am not to know pain?
How unfair of us all to think we are alone
We are not
we join in the worlds song of sorrow
the chorus is something we all learn and learn quit well.
The tune is always changing
Oh what a difference a day does make.



-Well today I am in a mood of unfeeling. By this I mean I know neither of these two ways. I am in a state of nothing. Music barely touches me but does not bring on agony. People walk by and they just walk by. I think nothing and feel neither. The thing is when I am in such a state usually it bothers me. I want to feel. One way or another I want it to be extreme. Days like this are almost the worst. Sometimes I will dredge u[p painful thoughts just to feel again. But not today. Today I hope to go through without much pain at all nor much feelings of any kind.
-this week I will be singing for the youth night with a group. I am excited about doing something in the church. It has been awhile and I like to.

Calebs dreams.

-I don't know if you have read Calebs blogs as of late or even ever, but to get an idea of where I am about to go you should read his and then you might catch on.
-It is going back to his house dreams. I think very much that those houses could be an idea of who we are. I have never dreamt of such houses, I have never dreamt of houses at all. Sometimes people talk of dreams they have and I wish sometimes I could dream like that. There is a song on Donnie Darko where one line goes, "I find it kind of funny, the dreams in which I'm dyeing are the best I've ever had." And Caleb has said how a dream of dying can make him feel so much more alive. I've never dreamt a dream like that. There are very few dreams that have had any impact on me. Now I don't think that I have missed anything, only as Caleb said sometimes feelings are more defined and sometimes even completely new in a dream.
- No instead I spend my day dreaming of things that are beyond my chance of having. Why do some dream during the day and others during the night? Day dreams are so much more controlled, in a sense, than your typical night fantasy. NO as of late I awake in the night. Nothing terrible awakens me nor do I stay up once awoken. Funny things is I kind of want to wake during the night, as though that may be the only way to know a new way of life. A way of exploring something different for a change. But sadly enough I always, somehow get logical and decided that this wouldn't be good for my next day. "I must get my rest". I think, as in a dream your feelings are more true to form, also is the late night wandering. I wish for a romance in my life and at this time it can only be in things unusual. In the nontypical, the things not as most would live them.


Those that have shall gain, and those who have not shall lose all


-Today I gave a walk in a hair cut after which I gave him a card and told him he could throw it out if he wanted. Now what, may I ask, caused me to say such a thing? To sell oneself one does not want to promote the forgetting of oneself, but what do I do, I tell him "throw it out if you want". That should not be an option. His only option should be to come back to me. But do I like to tell others what they should and should not do? No! I do not like to be the one to say, "hey you, you have no choice but to........". NO I sit back and let them do as they please and even, at times, promote such negative things. Blah.

My brothers blog

-I have since gotten a note from the boy, Caleb that he is now public so if you have not gotten this note as well I have created a link for you to get there from my sight. Check out his photo/art stuff, to cool.

My comic

-okey the reason I call this my comic is cause I found it quit funny today. In the paper there was a Bizzaro comic that pertained to home schooling and those of you who know me know that me and my brothers were all home schooled I thought it very funny. I don't think you can see it today but soon. So just click on the link,go to features and then to comics, in a couple of days or weeks or how ever long it takes for them to get it on there.

the hand

-I just scared myself in a very silly way. I was working in the cupbourd with the cds here. Now the shelf is at crouching hight and there is a mirror above this in the back. Anyways I was down below and could not see myself in the mirror but could just see the shelf in the reflection. Just as I looked up into said mirror I was also reaching for a cd I had on the shelf. Needless to say all I could see in the half lit mirror was some creepy hand reaching quit nastily over the edge of the shelf to crawl up to the top. Man the little tricks ones eyes can play on them. The sad thing is that you probably will not get at all what happend to me and just think I am crazed for even writting this.

Not quit so heavy

-I read some of my last entrys and wonder how I could live if my life were always so full of "deep" thoughts. Well It's not. I think of things like, Hmmmmm what should I wear to work today, Or, "did that cute guy think I was cute?", And "Why am I wondering what that guy thought? It doesn't matter one bit" possibly
"How will work go tomorrow? Will I get more walk ins?"
"Will I ever get married or shall I be doomed to walk this earth alone?"
"Why would I say doomed, this is not a bad thing. Actually I love this right now"
"But I want to share this life with someone"
"So then do. Share it with all your friends and family."
"Yah I know the answers but I want to try something new. I want to give to some one"
"So whats holding me back? NOthing, not a thing"
-Yes It is true I do hold conversations in my head. But don't most girls? I heard the reason we do is cause we use both sides of the brain and both sides are better conected. The thing is, that can make us more flighty then men. We keep interupting ourselves where as men can focus on one thing without distractions. So therefor there is something good about our minds and something, possibly better about mens.
-There's some silly trivia to keep you going through your day. No day is complete without some useless info that seems to be important but really might not be.
-Actually, one of the main reasons I would like a husband is cause then he would be here right now and I could beg him to give me a back message. Ever since I started work I have got some major nots in the middle of my shoulders. I think I am going to DIE>>>>>>>>AUGHHHHHHHHHH.must go.....must stop..typing.

This is not about my first day at work

-NO, this is about something more important but more confusing for me? As of late I have not even really wanted a job. I want to be paid to think. But not on one specific thing but on many things. I want to spend my days reading walking and thinking, listening to music and enjoy what God has put around me.
-I look for something bizarre and new. I look for a love that no one can undo. But where is this love to be found? Can I find it in the nature around me? In man who is fallible? Or in the stars bright center of despair? I think not, Not in the moons desperation to shine light on us. In all her glory she still is lacking the significance of the sun. We all look for this I do believe. Some of us do not know this is what or where we look. Some search the inner sanctions of our own being. Searching deep within we wonder why we are still not fully satisfied, if even less. Why, if I know myself the best, can I not fulfill my dreams? Cause we are also the fallible man, the same as the neighbors we can not lean on. The stars hold nothing but a dying energy that we cannot grasp. The moon is just a reflection of what the day holds. And nature, itself must go though seasons of change, and though we think they effect us it is insignificant. No I fear what the world holds will not be the thing we desire. We,I am afraid, will find no such love in these things. Yes they will give us a hint at it. But that is it, that is all they will give us, a small hint. A chance of a glimmer of what could be. Love everlasting, Love full of grace and truth. It can only be found in one place. In the hand of the maker. The One who made all these said beings. The creator of all things that hold love. For He is love, He is our maker. The one and only who made us to love us. He loves me and that is where I gain my strength to do as I have, and to grow as I hope to continue on. The Lord my God. My savior. Oh how I love Him. For he has done for me what no other has done. He has sent His one and only son to die a death I was destined to die. One that there should have been no escape from. But He took it upon Himself to help me from a mess I made for myself.
-That is all I care about today and any day.

Thanks to be given

-Well as you all may know today is Thanks giving day. If you do not know then you are not in this country or yours does not celebrate thanks giving. Yesterday I went to my new job to meet some of the lady's I will be working with. Very nice people. I am a bit afraid of a little shallowness though we all have the some where and you can't really know for sure in the first hour of meeting some one. I do like them a lot and think it will be a fun place to work. I am nerves to see how it goes. I always feel after a long time of being away from work. "I have sold myself as a hard worker now can I prove it to be true?"
-now the food that goes around at this time of year is intense. It flows like milk and honey in the promised land. I found today I managed to not go over bored which at times like this can be hard. Oh how I hate the feeling of the over full stomach. The pain of the bloatedness of it all. I wish to never go that way again.
-My mom asked what I would do with my day tomorrow. I thought maybe I would spend the day being nerves about my new job. But since then I have changed my mind. Maybe instead I will write or read, go for walks and relax for one last day of freedom.
-I sit here with a pain in my heart and it is not from over eating, though I heard that the emergency rooms this time of year are full from people over eating and then thinking they are having heart attaches. No, today the pain is from the happiness that I have mingled deep inside with so many other feelings. I wonder how it is possible to be so over joyed and so low all in one moment of time. Yet I would have it no other way, for I believe that it is the very pain of sorrow that makes the joy so much more wonderful.


I thank thee for the pain inside
It makes my heart sing out
I thank thee for the love you hide
In the smallest things about

Thanks be unto you alone
For all the things you've done
Thanks for all the things unknown
The things still yet unsung

For there are things I've asked you for
That you have kept from me
To open yet another door
One I did not see

My thoughts, so uninteresting

-I just read my younger brothers blog and I now feel inadequate. Yes I know he would say that, that is unimportant, that his inventiveness in words makes making mine any less but if you read it you might understand. I would like to put a link to his but I will have to ask him first. Not only if I can make his public but also how to add links. For I know that if you like mine you might enjoy his even more.

How the pain paid off

So yesterday I had my tech. interview. If you care to know how it went you must read to the end of this blog.
-Also to be found in this days entry is the finally of the pot. Is it going to live or will it be sent to pot heaven?
-You shall read of the time that I had to figure out the mess in my car to make room for the Webbers and the decision to not go home and use their car.
-And so it begins. After my entry yesterday I left for my interview. Having to pick up my hair cut model first I had to leave earlier. We arrived at the salon early which I would rather have than late. Now going for an interview is an odd thing. You arrive at a salon you do not know. To tell your client to follow you to the sinks is the first in an array of struggles. "follow me to the sinks, if I can find them first. Let me adjust the water temp if I can figure which way to work this tap. Oh! Sorry I thought that direction was cooler, with most taps it is. Please forgive the scalding." next to seat them in a seat that you do not know, mind you the whole time making it seem you are confident and sure of it all.
Then comes the cut. While you know the owner is watching you out of the corner of her/his eye. Oh how one can shack and while you cut you wish not to shack or you cut more than hair, you cut yourself as well. You have made it through the ten hour cut (for that is how it feels where you are at) now comes the check. Dear me! Did she see that missed chunk there or the nasty bald spot there? "That was not me, she is naturally balding (yes at the age of fourteen)." Interviewer says nothing and now you must style. Is the client happy? Yes (but that is cause I manage to cover said bald spot). "The style is fine, send her out to the car to wait while we talk inside." you have made it through and now you must see your final fate. I leave you here to tell of the pot.
-The pot. A strainer pot. I have told of the pot before it is seen to be sure it is not a shock as they enter the house. "Oh the pot, How I have destroyed it. It is utterly hopeless. It shall never be the same again" 'do not fear it is but a pot it is nothing of worth.' It is seen and there is no worry. I have been forgiven. It is not as bad all that. We even celebrate the return of home owners with a wonderful chocolate fondu. Oh blessed day.
-To pick up the Webbers at the airport was of no concern. The concern lay in the getting all of them and their bags into the mess that is my car. I must pack all my stuff to one side and hope they do not smell the week old who knows what. I managed and all was left unsaid.
-As I left the salon I shook. I held out my hands and they shook, my knees quacked and I squealed with joy. I've been given the job! I have been given a place to work and live for the Lord. What joy there is when you know the way, even when only for a day. I start next Tuesday and work full time but am free Sundays and Mondays. Now I am back to apprehensions, Not of whether this is the place but "will I manage to do my work well? Will I learn what I must and be who I may?" You now must wait , as I must also, to know the answers to these questions.
*Some of the things in this entry have been over done to make for a more interesting story. Please disregard the bald spot, the scalding and any other thing that may seem unreal.

This is it

-Well today is that day. The one I have double booked and well there was no way around it. I will be picking up the Webbers at the airport and will be figuring out something else about the seed. I know God has all in His hands so we'll see what this is to come to. I also in a few hours will be heading out to do my 'Technical interview' at the salon. I do so hope to get this job for more than one reason. But those I will not divulge at this time. Once I can be where I want I will let you know where that is.
-My sister asked me to write about the birthing of her child. Now I think she wanted it sent to her but why not let you all in on the wonderful secret of life coming forth.
-No I will not go into the great, gory details but let you know how beautiful such times are. Her name is Mei Nita. Mei, you were born at 0055 in the morning. How beautifully blue you were, your face all scrunched from your travels. I remember how you looked and will never look again. The first time you cried was amazing and makes me come to tears even now. For you were strong and willing to fight. As all of us must do in the start. It was only the beginning of your wars and I look forward to seeing you come through them all. You will be a strong woman of God and held high unto Him by the ones that love you. God saw you yet while you were unformed and I only saw what the rest of us see. There are things that He knows that are for Him to know alone and we shall only take part in your life as it comes. You are beautiful to Him and to me and I pray your days are blessed beyond imaginings.
-Back to my insane Tuesday. I Go to get my CV boot changed on the car. I am told to come back in two hours so I trudge around in the fallen leaves of the year and read as I walk where I go. I manage to fill the time and return to find that the boot alone should not be replaced but the joint in whole. Oh yes some would say they try to hoodwink me but no, the truth, is the joint has ceased. Oh the blastedness of it all. More to pay and a later delay. I will be going back to the same place tomorrow for, though it will cost more, they are the best of them all, and cheaper than any other.
-If you read this before Four this afternoon just send up a quick prayer for me. I would so love to get this job and am therefore more nerves then normal.

My day, the Sunday

-Yesterday, Sunday was a day in the life. I spent most of the day at an ABA show in the city here. Now an aba show is quit fun for those of us who do hair. This show I spent more time finding sales on things I needed for my job. It is hard to bight the bullet and spend the cash but I also have to realize that if I don't get it now then I will have to get it later and it will no longer be on sale so I did it. I still didn't go as far as I had first hoped to but trust me it is very hard for me.
-I also had a friend who was a model in the show so while she was free we hung out. For the show her hair was cut into a mullet, yes full fledged. To both of our shock and dismay not only was she not the only one but people loved it, it was on the posters and it was nasty. She plans on getting it cut as soon as she can. I later spent the evening with her and her boyfriend who is also a friend of mine.
-Now , though my time with them was fun, it is not what has compelled me to write today. No the subject I wish to approach caused me to come to tears last night. I could not even hold back till I was in the privacy of my own space. I want all to know (for I know some who will read what I say and fear for my life if not given this disclaimer first) that I was totally in the hands of the Lord and did not fear during this time last night. This I know for the whole of the time spent I saw behind a man who worked for the station and I knew he kept an eye on us both, and when he left he asked if I was alright.
- I got home on the bus and then the c-train my wait at the train station is where this story begins and does also end. As I sat crouched in wait for the train an older native fellow approached me where I sat. Extending his hand he gave me his name while I kept mine to myself for, I felt, he did not need mine to feel free, as he did. I then sat next to me and proceeded to chat. He also sang a song for me and though he be utterly drunk he sang quit well, infact I felt much better than alot I have heard. He sang a song for me that he claimed to have written. Whether he did or not it moved me to think of his life. The song was of love and of being alone, of walls being built of stone, of people working together to build such walls, and though these walls are built they will fall and in the end all we will have is love. He sang with passion his life to me. He then ventured on to talk of "the seal" and how it can be broken, that if broken it opens the way to two places. Asking of these two places he announced them to be heaven and hell. I asked of the seal and that which it is made of, his reply was, "the mind, the body, and the heart". Who breaks this seal? Others do. He believed he should go to hell when his seal is broken, I asked why but he thought to deep to take me with him. I know no more than that, I fear there was nothing I could say for I knew not where to go with it. He left me with the despair he only could know and I could only imagine. As my train arrived he left, and there is no more that I could say. Oh did I miss something, did I not take up an opportunity laid before me by my Father in heaven? My responses, were they full enough, were they of any consequence to him? As I rode my trained home the tears fell freely and still can come in an instant. What can I do? How can I help?

Total Wack

-alright who's been messin with the system? I go to sign into my Yahoo account and they tell me that they can't find this sight. Um, Yah? Well look harder.
-Anyhow what to do?
-What can I say about my day so far and last night? Let me see there must have been something interesting in my life since I last. Right I remember where I was going to go today on this whole thing.
-I've been thinking as of late that my life seems to have been changing in some major ways. Now some is very personal and I am sorry to have to tell you but you can not know about these areas. But I trust that where I can go you shall not mind following.
-I have started in the last months to see with a new heart and mind all the things that this world contains, put there by my great Father in heaven. I am finding my mind has blossomed immensely in the last while, it is to the point of explosion. I do not fear such an outcome though for I know the Lord only gives that which one child of His can handle at one time. I see this new growth as a blessing come only from Him and not from my own abilities. I see that the ability which I have is from Him and no other. It is not a power of my own but of Him through me that is greater than I. I rejoice in this and do not fear where it will take me.
-I was telling my mom how this time of not having a job has been hard and yet I would not trade it for anything in the world. You see I believe fully that the God of Heaven and earth Has a plan for every day and minute of our times here on earth if only we allow Him to take hold of these times. I have learnt how to be in an interview which I have never formally gone through before. At the age of 23 almost 24 you must wonder how this could be, but none the less it is so.
-Getting back to my time in Gods hands I want to say to you something I have learnt and sadly must continue to learn. (only sadly for it means I have not fully learnt it as of yet) More than once I have had people ask me, mostly in my interviews, where I hope to be in five years. I could never answer this question happily and wondered what held me back so strongly. At first I believed it was my desire to travel and take on the world and have no strong commitments. This I feared, for something must be wrong with me for not wanting solidity. Was I crazy? Ill directed? It came to me, Ibelieve from Gods prompting, that I do not wish to make plans on my future for I desire to go where God calls when He call no matter what the time may look or the funds may allow. I believe that God sees this world from above as He sees time from above. Future, past, present all as one. He sees not the things of this world as important but as only mere tools to get His work done. So if he does not concern Himself with these things whatever reason have I to worry of them? So as to five years from now? God only knows and I am happy to leave it as such. No it does not mean I sit back and hope He will turn the tides of life to fulfill my dreams but that, Instead I put my hand to the work He has given me and do it fully, without question. This I am happy to do for it is not the final destination of where I go but of the getting there and who I take with me.

A night in the life

-Well last night just before I fell asleep, you know the time where thoughts are random and sometimes, I almost believe always, clear and undistracted. The revelation of my nasty time arrangements filled my mind with the truth. I had unknowingly double booked my future Tuesday. If you have read the past and first entry you would remember that I plan on volunteering my time at the Mustard Seed. Well to do so I must go for an orientation. This is on the 7th at 5:30.
I also promised to pick up Gerry and Merelynn Webber from the airport, not knowing that they would be arriving at 6:45 that same Tuesday evening. Now how is one to figure all this? I still do not know. But so be it. God has worked out more difficult problems than this. Does the Red sea ring any bells? Do not worry this is but a reminder to myself and not to get on any of your cases.
-Yesterdays badness was finely relieved at the end when I received a call from a very good friend whom I had not talked to in awhile. Is it not amazing what one little chat with a good friend can do for ones well being? I am always amazed at what a different view can be put on life when you share it with ones you love. Even when the ones you love do not feel they are doing much for you. This is the long way around to saying thank you to you for just listening to my silliness of the days.
-So when I left home the last time (about a week or is it even two now) My Father told me I needed to get my CV boot changed on the right side of the car. He also told me not to get anything else done to it though the mechanic might try to convince me other wise. So I first called Canadian Tire, No I did not actually plan on going there it was just to start a price reference. Well the minute I asked the first question mister man on the other end did not let me get another word in edgewise. I would start a question and he would assume that I was going one way with it and would then answer the wrong question. I felt immediately that he figured I was a girl and therefore knew nothing. Blah!!!!
The next place I called was a friend way across town and again this was just to see what I should expect for price. Very nice service there. Today I called two places the first said he could not get a cv boot alone and must get the whole axel or something, I'm sorry to say but by then I was no longer listening. He said the price would be the same anyways. He was to call me back with that price, meanwhile I called yet another shop and the minute I asked he had an answer and did not plan on selling me anything else. $110 was his quote. After making an appointment I hung up to receive the other shops quote. $300. I am not a dupe though some would like to think. I also have my father telling me what to do and what not to do. Man if there is one thing I can recommend Go With what the ones you trust say.

Double Auggghhhh!!!!

I just figured out how to add links to this danged thing and was so proud of myself. I hade added a link to one of my former posts but while looking back I tought I saw that I had published it twice so I deleted it. well now it is gone forever. Oh the fun of figuring this thing out for the first time. Never have I understood computers and never will I.
Well anyhow so be the good with the bad.

Augggghhhhh!!!!

Okay I was kind of looking in the help section of thiswhole thing in hopes that I could figure out how to add links and other such fun stuff. I AM NOT A COMPUTER GENIUS. If I were I would understand all of the gibberish they put in those things.
Now, how to start a day off on the wrong foot.
1: Get out of bed feeling slightly lonely
2: Listen to a depressing song on the stereo
3: Get over your cry and plan to make breakfast
4: While working on making breakfast forget how to use a double boiler and
put the water in the bowl instead of the pot
5: Let sit on element wondering why the water does not bowl, to make even
More interesting turn up heat to "help"get the water going
6: Finley, realize, now that it is to late, that you have destroyed the pot in the
house you are living, which, might I add, is not your house.
Ahh yes. Do you ask what I plan on doing? Well at first I had thought of putting it back in the cupboard and hoping they (the home owners) would not notice. For those of you who know or are related to said home owners do not fear, I have planned on leaving it out (so I do not forget) and telling them about said blunder. In the end I will be happier bringing it up instead of having them look at it and wonder, then my having to bring up the guilty doings of my days alone.

Just a poem I wrote

If this is fear Let me know it never
If this is pain let it leave forever
If there be love let it embrace me
If there is grace let it enclose thee
If there is a God let him be loving
If there be a father let Him be coming