Something is coming over me these last few days which seems to be continuing from my reading of "Blue Like Jazz" and now also my trip to Manitoba.

People have kept asking me how the trip went. How was Manitoba? The trip went well and the province was fine but my time there, that was something else. I felt stretched, chalenged. Like there was this test set before me that I had had a small idea of what the content might be and then it ended up being much harder then I anticipated.

I think I need to go and write all this stuff in my journal first. I need to process alot of stuff. God has been asking me question upon question the last while and I need to sit and think on it all for a while. It almost seems like each question that He asks I partially answer and then He adds onto it. Takes it deeper. Anyhow that is what is going on in my own life.

Then there is this other thing that is also mixed into it all. That is the pain I am starting to feel for all those around me. When I become tempted to cry "woaw is me" God all of a sudden turns it around and I see those around me and start to lose site of my own silly tears.

I truelly wonder how He can see all the pain that every human goes through and still live. It is painfull to watch my friends and family struggle with hurt and confussion. I beg in my heart that there might be something I could do. And I can't. I think that is the hardest part of it all. I cannot take away the pain and the hurt.

The sense of things to come

Do you ever get the feeling that you are changing, yet if someone were to ask how you would have no answer? That something you are reading is impacting you more deeply then even you can describe.

These past few days I have been reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller.
He seems to be talking to me right where I am at in my life. Like this book was meant for me to read today. I was told about it almost exactly a year ago but it is only now that I am reading it. Like it was waiting for this time in my life.

Thing is I can't say exactly what part of me it is talking to. Like I will look at this time in my life years from now and say "oh, yeah that is when I saw this to be truth and that book just helped me understand it a bit better".

I wish I had some profound way of stating the depths my heart is going. Some way of looking more spiritual by the words I use to describe this time. That I might appear to be learning something to those who are outside of me. That even strangers might see the changes in my life. I want to look deep so that I will be appreciated as a deep thinker. AS someone who sees more to life then the average eye. That my outlook on life might be profound to someone, that they would look up to me and desire to be like me. How ridiculous is that?

There is a question asked of Don in the book. "what are you willing to die for?". It is not this question that got me thinking as much as what another friend says to Don. "Living for something is the hard thing, we live for what we believe".

So I ask myself What is it I am living for, have been living for. I don't like the answers I come up with. They are shallow and I don't like shallow.

Different Directions

I know I just finished posting a blog but I feel there is more to say. I have been going through so much life shifting and that has brought on alot of thought. I mentioned in my last blog that I have to give up my dream to get married and this is still true. It does not mean I have to give up my desire or my hope that one day it will happen. I must give up the fantasy. It's like I said to my mom, We are born with hunger in our bellies to be filled and so that is a God given desire but the dream is that we will always filled with the sweet cream pie. It is not the healthiest for us, it may fill our bellies but it has no lasting substance. So i must give up the dream and remember only the desire.
God has been reminding me of the desires He has planted in my heart, the ones that i have been putting off for fear of haveing to do them alone. But now I know that that is not what matters. If I am to be alone, then so be it. I need to focus on God for some time here. I have been far to focused on me and the things that i want instead of remembering HIm.

So unsure these days

Oh boy does my heart jump these days. It is out of shock and fear, stress and comofort. It has now been long enough since the break up for me to move on to a degree, of course there are still times of "what the f--- I don't get it?!!!" but then I remind myself that no matter how strange life is it is in Gods hands. So now the question I have seen looming before me is this
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NEXT?"
It is a beautifully scary question. The things that I see as my desires in direction seem far out of my reach. I feel a little imobalized right now. A little stuned at the thought of going to University for the first time in my life. My mom says aI can do it but I am sorry to say that is hard to believe. The only shooling I have done is hair school. That is it, no other system has had the pleasure of knowing my mental skills. I was home schooled all the way through, from grade one to where I am today. 27 and never schooled. Scares me, that is all there is to it.
And on top of this all I have to let go of my dream to get married. It seems like it is not to be in my life, even though that has been my only dream. I have to trade it in for one less improtant to me. Eveyone says to follow your dreams and not to let nything stop you from acheiving those dreams but when it involves more then one person it is beyond my control. I actually have to let go of it and go for a different one. Strange for me. But it has come to the point now where I can't see my dreams coming true even if they were to be right before my eyes. Yes, I am becoming jaded, fogive me.