Where is my head?

It seems to be right here on my shoulders
Yet this I could argue with great gusto
for though my head is physicaly there
it lacks the confidence to believe in itself
I carry it atop of me daily
Yet it's tossed around like a leaf in the wind
I've decided to forget about my head for a bit
I move instead to my heart

Where is my heart?

Safe within my ribcage
This I know for I can feel it near me
It is pressing up against the nearest parts
I fear it wants to break through
This pressure is new to me
It's stretching me from the inside out
It seems to be growing beyond my control
it is escaping the saftey net I've created
(Net? more like a brick wall)
It is soon to burst through
I fear the pain it could cause

Where will my head go from here?

I am unsure
completly unsure
frankly I don't care
follow the way of my heart
I hope

Where is my heart going?

Deeper and further
Larger and fuller
The more love it contains
The more it seems to hurt
It juices my eyes
it springs forth unexpectedly
Displaid for all to see
It contains a depth beyond me
Containing love I don't understand
Love for those I have not met
For those I have not seen
Expantion, a dangerous risk I'm willing to take

Going to India

Well I'm sure I have mentioned that before. I am sure you remember that I am leaving and going to the other side of the world for six months but someday I don't. This weekend I spoke in my church both Friday and this morning letting all the people in my congregation know this as well. Most of them knew but some didn't even know that I was back in town so there you go.
These past few weeks have been major change filled. So much hard stuff has come down but in the end it was all for the better. Most of you who read this already know that I have broken things off with my boyfriend. I know it was good for me cause I have come to a place of such peace. I just feel bad sometimes that I couldn't seem to come to that place of peace earlier. I guess it just goes to show that sometimes we should not hold on to things for fear of what may happen. I admit I was afraid I would be a wreck if this were to happen and I was unsure what to think might happen to him. Of what I have heard though he is seemingly more relaxed and for this I am very happy. I guess I should have handed my fear over to God along time ago, for it seems more certain every day that He takes care of all things.
After I spoke in church I went for lunch with the head of the churches missions team. She was telling me of how she had called up four different places to cater this India dinner that we are putting on to help raise some funds for my trip. A place called the Taj Mahal wanted to give a discount when they found it was for charity. Later in the conversation on the phone with them they found out that it was to raise money to send me over on missions work, they asked if it was a christian thing. She told them that yes it was and their responce was "oh we get behind that we can for sure work something out." It just goes to show taht God most deffinatly does things His way and that it can go far beyond our way.
So here I am most deffinatly not in my way and the happier for it. It seems that I have had this plan in my mind for far to long and I have finaly come to the place where it makes so much more sense to go through life enjoying the here and now instead of looking forward to what I "want". I am so happy at this time it seems bizzare. I almost wonder if I even desserve it. Well if I don't than I am thankfull for it and if I do I am thankfull for it. In all ways it makes me happier that I am happy. God is so good.

Happy Birthday, You're Dying! - Spiritual journey - BitterSweetLife

I liked this post alot. I have been following (kind of) this blog for about a month now. I find the insight here is worth looking into. I admit that at times it makes my "insight" feel so futile. Like I haven't caught on to some of the deeper things of life but so what. I am I not this guy. My mind works in its own special ways and why would I want to think the thoughts of someone else anyhow?
Here is a post on a birthday. Mine is soon to come up this month and for the first time in years I am decidedly not allowing myself to dwell on the fact that I am yet another year older and still not exactly where I had hoped to be. But isn't that what this life is all about. The journey. Not the arrival. I will never arrive at being the person I wish to be. I will never have completed the race till it is done. If I think I am done then I should that day be dead. I agree it is Jesus who makes this all worth living. No point in gaining wisdom if there is nothing to become wise for. If this life were all about the here and the now with nothing to look forward to after there would be no point. The whole of this life would be moot.
I have decided not to dwell on the one year older me that is soon to come. It seems the more I have tried to convince myself that I will be okey with this, that I will have a good additude, the more I am reminded that I am older and that I am no longer the age of five years ago. It only reminds me that things haven't all gone the way I had hoped in the line of time that I had hoped for it to go. So what if I am still unmarried, no chance of kids to come. So what if my plan hasn't come to fruition? It's over, it's past. And frankly I am happier than ever cause I still have a life worth living, I have always had a life worth living and one extra year to that life does not make it unlivable. Only worth living more. I thank God for the things I have seen and learnt, and so what if I am closer to death. Am I not then closer to being full time in Gods presence? Sounds good to me.

In the last two weeks I have seen two disterbing movies. Both were centerd around a diformity. The second though haunts me more than the first. The first is called Eraserhead. In this film there is a very strange and bandaged baby that is not at all plesent to behold. The movie on a whole is farely dark and disterbed with some odd twists. Well actually the whole film is an odd twist. To read more on it I will add a link to my brothers blog. This film gave me a sence of the creeps though different than alot of films. I cannot explain it clearly I think only that you must see it to fully understand.
The second film I finished watching not half an hour ago. This one will be with me much longer for it is based on the real life story of a man by the name of John Merick. It haunts me still to see how this man was treated because of his deformity it is painfull to the core. Laughed at and scorned even feared just because of his looks. It caused him his death in the end and left him crippled through out his life. The most haunting fact is to see what cruelty humans are capable of laying out on others. We have no right to treat one in such a manner an yet it happens even today. "The Elephante Man" is a sad story even when the end is "happy". So much pain and suffering. My heart is hurting even now for all the pain we bestow on those around us. Maybe we don't beat on anyone. Maybe we don't sell tickets so show them off, or treat them as an animal. Yet we laugh at the way they wear their hair, or the style of cloths they choose to wear. We even laugh at their struggles. Maybe not outwardly but in our hearts we scorn those who are not like us. We jugde what we do not even know. Oh I could go on but Instead I will look into my own life and ask myself some questions.
My sister (in-law) wrote a blog that I wished to comment on, though I don't know what to comment other than it causes me to think also.

Freedom

There is a vast sense of freedom that comes with admitting to something. Once I have admitted to a thing I have tried to keep hidden for years, never allowing it to be seen as truth, I open myself up to that very thing. Now that I have finaly allowed myself to say that I am an artist I can be an artist. I can go out and do "crazy" artistic things. I can be free to drive out to the country side to take a bunch of photos of the clouds. I can drive out into the middle of a muddy field for the same reason. I can lock myself away in my room for hours to alternate drawing, thinking and playing my violin.
There is also a fear that could come with it. Expectations others may have. "If your an artist lets see your work". I have held back for years for the perfectionist side of me wants only perfect results. Also believing that if there are not perfect results then it is not worth my time. I should do something "sensible" with my life, not just waist it away with fantasies. Also the feeling of inferiority can take control. Well I'm not as good as Van Gogh or even my own brother for that matter what makes me think I can call myself such a thing. But forget it. I am going to allow myself to be this person I have pushed away for years of my life. I will allow my ego to have a bit of say in what I do. But even more I will follow my dreams (though they may cost me monetarialy). I love it, I would enjoy desperatly to go to art school. I am not to old. I am never to old and on top of that I am young yet. I will go on my trip I will come back and I will consider seriously going to art college. Why not? What is stopping me other than my fears? NO more of that I say, No more.

Gods love, How great is it?

What does it mean to be loved by God?
This is the question I am asking myself these days.
I know there is a lot more to it then I will ever grasp.

Walking

Last night I asked my boyfriend if he would go for a walk with me. He declined for a few reasons. 1: He is in Manitoba and 2: it was about 23:00. He was also talking about how going for walks is not as much of an enjoyable thing for him as it seems to be for me. We discussed this for a bit with me trying to explain what it is about going for walks that I find so great. I don't think I ever came to the full understanding of it in words or even on my own till this morning.

It was snowing this morning so I again invited him to go with me but with the distance between us it was understandably impossible. He would have if it had been do'able. I got off the phone with him and decided I must go anyhow, even if there was no way to share it with him. As I walked I came to a realisation. A walk is one of the places I feel most alive. That somehow I am truelly existing to my fullest potential. It is the time when I best commun with my God. There are those who can sit and read the Bible and they feel closest to God. I feel I am closer to God when in the presence of the outside world. Even as I sit here writting and re-reading this I know that it is not comeing across the same way as it makes me feel. There is an experience in these walks alone and with others that I cannot discribe. So I will leave it at that and hope that the photos of this walk might portray just abit of a clearer view of what comes from a walk.

Art

The Starving Artist: A very hungry human who spends all their energy on creating "master pieces" and all their resources on the supplies to do so.

Yesterday I went to an art supply store and found out why it is so easy for the artist to become what was earlier described. One tube of acrylic paint will cost anywhere from $7.50 to $18.00. That is just A single tube of color. I have not yet looked at the canvas, the brushes can be any where from $5.00 to $30.00 and upwards. The list can go on forever.

I bought only a small portion of supplies yesterday and already I feel hungrier. If I am going to do art I will need to start trying to sell it. I can imagine what that would be like. You create a piece that is close to your heart (reason: because it comes from your heart) display it for all to view and have a handful of "Art Critics" say how terrible the quality is or how stupid the lines are. It breaks the heart of an artist who is not secure in who they are. But to continue creating the very heart of oneself in art you must press on and allow that hand full to say as they please for out of the masses there is the one who will see your heart for what it is and love it like their own. And so goes the circle of love and pain, loss and gain.