Growing pains

When will the growth come? The expanditure of the heart. The strengthening of the weak and lonely heart.

Sunday January the 25th 2004 I wrote a blog titled "Things that change lives". I can't remember what it was I was going through at the time, nor what prompted the title. But I do get the inclination of what it was and how my heart felt at the time. The blog written after it confirms that to me. Lonely. It seems to be a constent struggle in my heart. When there is love all around me I continue to feel the deep pangs of lonelyness. Trust me, I never dreamed in all my life that when I had a boyfriend I could still feel exactly as I always have. I love him and he loves me and yet,.....and yet there it lies deep in my bossom. lonelyness. What a cold word. So empty and void of anything. But my life is not, it is full. Where does this empty word come from? Will I never let go of this feeling?

I have gotten a clearer picture of how life is. I am seeing more truelly how I must go on. Even with love all around me, I must go it alone in this world. We all must in a sense. For our hearts were created to be intimite with our Creator yet there is a vast canyon between us. Oh how my heart yerns to be near His. At times I am angry that I must continue to excist on this side of eternity.

Let me leave you with these words

Psalm 119: 25,28, 32

My soul clings to the dust; revive me according to Your word.
My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to your word.
I will run the course of Your commandments, for You shall enlarge my heart.

I will live this life as well as I can for my Creator, for my Lord and He shall enlarge my heart.

Swingen

Get this, I have mood swings. Yeah I am a girl and therefore this is fairly normal. BUT, it would seem that I get more than averige and more extreem. The worst of it is there is no warning. So for those who live with me or near me have no clue what is going ot through me spirraling in one direction or the other. Found out the other day that I may be able to eat my way out of these things, or something like that. You see I have been suspicuse for some time that I may be Hypoglycemic, I knew that this condition can cause one to be disey if they have not eaten, black out, shacky. and a whole bunch of other physical side effects. I never knew that it could cause my mood swings. my days of depresion and even possibly my insanely poor memory. There is this web sight that my boyfriend found for me and it has a test that you can take. they suggest that if you score more than 20% you should see a doctor. Well I passed with flying colors, then I found out that 70% is not a pass but a fail, big time. yup according to a web test I should talk to a doctor. GACK!!!!. Do you realise that this means I will have to come off of sugar, and not just kind of but like a hundred to one (possibly). They sey every person is different so I need to work out my own diet according to me. but chances are I will have to leave it behind more often then not. I have to say it is kind of reasuring to know that maybe, just maybe I am not going crazy as I was starting to suspect. I might be able to solve the problem of "where the heck do these moods come from?" I may actually not be the person I fear I am. It's hard cause in my head I seem to know that I am not a fearfull person who freaks out at any little thing. that isn't really me. And yet my actions and my additude all speak loudly as if I am. I'm not anctious and yet my stomach is more often in knots than not. I truelly was starting to wonder if I am insane, but yet as I say I knew deep down that I am not. I pray that this can be solved once and for all.

The beauty in the FAll

I love this time of year and I have for most of my life. Every year I gain a deeper understanding as to where this love comes from and what it is that I love in it. The colors, The smell, The coolness of the air, fresh and crisp. These things all sing of a death. Of a near and present dying.

The trees are stripped of the very essence of life. It seems they should die, they should pass away. They do not show life on them any longer. They spend the fall months giving up the things they held so dearly and watch them spred far and wide, crashing to the ground where they become crumpled and seemingly uselless. The very things they put so much energy into now fall away and feed the ground. The trees will spend the winter months quietly singing to themselves of days gone by and the new beginnings yet to come. Of the storms they have seen and will again see. They are frozen to the very core of them yet their roots dig deep into the warmth of the soil below them.


I have always had an affinity with trees. I feel in my spirit a direct likeness to them. As the seasons effect the trees around me so they affect me. I become stripped of all of that which is self giving life and become bare, fully exposed to God. I am some how spread out further then ever I beleived was possible and it is so good. I look forward to the time when the cool snow will cover the gound around me and I will hibernate for yet another season. The fall season has been so often a time for me of death. Not of others but instead of myself.

What right do I have?

I am curious today about a matter of prayer. A question that comes to me while I am reading the book "Reaching for the Invisible God" by Phillip Yancey.

Chapter 10 pg.130 par. 2

He is talking of a friend of his in Japan and what his friend says he has learnt of prayer from the people there.

"' We know how to come to God as humble servants with boldness. You don't have to tell Japanese people about hierarchy, When they learn that God is the Lord they immediately know all the implications of that. They know who's boss and that is never questioned. When they pray they use language that combines the highest forms of speech and the most intimate phrases of love and devotion. When they ask for something they ask with true humility, knowing they have no right to what they're asking except that God gives them the very right to ask and promises to answer."

I have not done this. I would love to say that I always come to God as a friend but even that I often neglect to do. I have come more often to Gods throne as one would come to a genie in a bottle. "Lord give me the desires of my heart, make me happy with all the things I think I want". If I am true to my friends I would not even go to them for such things let alone a God who is greater than all that can be seen or known, greater than life itself.

True Love

These days I've been asking myself a question.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Can I actually live this way all the time?

I have seen that I do not. If I am kind I am not always patient, if I do not boast I envy those who have what I want. Why am I so unable to truelly love? I was once told that if I want to love truelly then I must be loved. That I must be loved I assumed to mean that I must except it. For GOd loves me no matter who I am. Besides that, He created me as who I am. Today I broke, I had hit the bottom. I saw I could never be wholly loving. It hurt me to the core. I ached with the fact that I will always fail. Yet I am reminded of a passage from my favorite Psalm

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me,
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off......
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid your hand upon me........

This Psalm goes on to talk more on Gods never ending knowledge of us. What I am so thankfull for is that though God knows me inside and out, even to the deepest meaning of my words (which at times could be fatal) He still hedges me from behind and before. He searches me, He knows me.

The Psalm is ended with

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxieties;
See if there is any wicked way in me
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I ask this of God today, I am afraid of seeing the truth of my own self and wish not to have to search the depths of my own soul and yet there is such peace to know that the God of heaven and earth would do this and not reject me in the end. He would only wish to lead me out of the traps I have laid for myself.

The last months of school.

This weekend is the end of the time where my boyfriend and I live near each other. He will be moving on the weekend to the city where he is in university. If you were to talk to me in person on this subject you would be unsure as to how I felt about it (this is because I am unsure myself). One minute it seems I am fine and not to upset at all, the next you would think my life was over (this is generaly my reaction to anything in life though). I wil miss him alot. I will miss seeing his sweet smile and his wonderfull eyes. I will miss just being near him while he works on one project or another. I will miss eating meals with him and saying good night when it is time for me/him to leave. I will miss hearing him breath as we just sit and enjoy being close and I will miss being warmed by the same.

I will see him on the weekends this is true and then at those times we can do such things but still it is hard for me to say goodbye. I am thankfull it is no longer the distance of 1200 kms between us that is for sure. I am happy for him, this is his last three to four months of school. After Dec. he will be done university and have his degree. It is very exciting. I was proud of myself when I finished nine months of hair school I can't imagen four and a half years of university. I am proud of him that is certen.