Falling short

Out from beneath my heart is slipped a piece of paper, on it is written my lifes sins. I am given a chance to look at it and read how it is I have failed. At first glance it seems fairly empty, void of all malice and hate. Lacking in any misdemeanors, baring only one small message. As I look closely at it I see something I have never seen before (this is not my first time looking at this strange piece of my life) I read for the first time what this message says, what it really says.

"Has fallen short of the glory of God."
"Has born no witness of His love and mercy. Is short of His glory, not fitting into His ways. Far from what is right and good. Shallow, lost, unknowing."

It went on, a never ending description of how short I am. The paper started out small and as I looked on it seemed to grow, never ending. Every breath I took lengthened that page. Each year past bore it's own strain of the music that was sung through those words. I was bellow the standard and I was sinking lower with every passing sigh.

Where did this come from? Every one knows that I am good, friendly and nice. I care about life and those around me. I care about God and what He has to say. I pray, I listen, I even read my Bible. This is false accusation.

It is in my own hand writing. How could that be? I don't get it. Looking down I see in horror the hand that has betrayed me continuing on in a smooth, flowing motion. A never ending gush of self destruction. I have been lying, falsely portraying myself as one who loves and laughs while my hand recorded all that was true. I am short of all glory.

Results are in

It is now known that I am a hairdresser (of sorts). I have been sent and received my results of the practical. I was a little shocked at the mark but I passed that is what matters. The one that I stressed over the most were the finger waves (a style no longer in use but still a test item). I got 4 out of 5. I had feared a zero. I've decided that if anyone were to wish for such a tyle I would be the woman to give it.

My life as of late is strangely busy. Always there is something for me to do. I appreciate it but at times I stand back and wonder if these are all the things I want in life. I step out of my world to look at it from a new perspective and wonder if this is all I had dreamed it would be. As I stand there, on the outside I realize that I had not dreamt of this at all. I had only dreamt one dream and you all know what that was. So out here looking in I am pleased. Yet,.....There is something that I fear I am missing. Not the marriage thing, I do not fear I am missing that I know I am, and frankly that is all right. NO, what I fear is that I might be missing something even more. Something larger. Something I am to be a part of and yet not be the whole of.

Stepping outside of me I look to where I came from
A shell of this earthly being
It holds what is real in its fake sense of life
The truth is beyond me
I know not where

I turn to my left and then to my right
The trees all around me uproot themselves
They raise their hands to the heavens
And as I draw nearer them, they fly
Dragging their hearts in the sand
They leave me here alone

I look up to hear the sounds of the stars
They cry ultrasonic tears
Some for joy, some for lifes endings
They raise their eyes to the heavens beyond
turning from me, sending shivers down my spine
I am left alone again

I steal beyond the stars
a place I should not enter in
It holds what is life in its realm of truth
I fear not the entering but the being left out
That teares me apart at the seems.

Follow up

Well I thought seeing as I put you all through the personal agony of my up comeing review I should let you in on the elation as well.

I got to work and felt at first I should throw up all the egg and bagel I had for breakfast, instead I drank a glass of water to ease my pain. I sat in the lunch room with my boss and was handed a sheet of paper showing me last reviews results. At the bottom of the page was the goal set by said boss for this review. She had wanted to see growth in my sales and such. I was very nervous. Well I had met the challenge and she was very pleased. There was one thing she wanted me to work on and that was speding up my work. The quality is good but almost to a fault. I do see what she means but it is hard for me not to continue on the road of a perfectionist (and I am not even the worst of my kind).

When she got to the question of my futture I told her I had no goals and then set out telling her what my non-goals were. She, afterwards told me that yes I did have goals and they were fine. You see I just went ahead and told her my desire to marry and have kids. I also stated that I feel that Carla and Lucy (two moms that work part time in the salon) are doing it in a great way. Working thee days a week. I think it is great cause they mainly choose their hours and all their clients work around to make it happen.

So, Honestly, Where do I see myself in a year? Well, here working in this salon cause I love it. Three years? I would like to believe I see myslef married (which is highly dependent on a man can't really do it on my own). Five years? starting to have kids. By then I will be twenty-nine. Mind you if it doesnt go that way I will not be dissapointed for I know that God knows whats going on.

My future

Today I found out I am to have a review on Thursday. My Boss asked me to consider some thing for that day. I have never liked this question and don't ever feel I can answer it truthfully. I have gotten away with not answering it for the past few years but fear I now have no choice.

Where do you see yourself in a year, three years, and five years?

My answer? I don't honestly know. I used to. But according to what I used to see in my future I would at this time have been married for nearly five years and planning soon to start having kids. My husband and I will have traveled together, seen the world. Spent time getting to know each other, learning how eachother works, thinks, and feels.

This is not the case. I am alone in a small basement suite in Calgary AB. I never saw it coming. That's the way I live. Unknowing of what is to happen next. I'm happier this way. I don't get disappointed to easily. Am I wrong to live by the day? To let my life be blown in the wind? How do I explain to someone outside of God that my life is in His hands and I'm happiest there. That if He told me to pack up and take off I would or if He told me to sit tight for another year I also would. That if I get married in the next couple years I would go where my husband went (unless of course he had no job an we both agreed that it were best I stayed with mine).

Truth is I am upset that I don't have any dreams. It bothers me. My dream has always been to marry and share my life with someone, that hasn't changed. But if I am to continue on the way I am I should probably start thinking long term goals. Alone. Just me and God. Why can't I get over this other dream, this one of sharing my life with a man? Why is my heart so set on this? It is not chocked out by independence, no, instead it is only made stronger.

snowboarding

Well today I went out to Lake Louise on my own. I tried to get some people to come with me but all were busy working or other wise occupied. In the end it was a good thing for me to be alone. Though I spend every evening alone here in the "down" I get distracted with things and do not actually look at my life. I saw alot that needed to change. It was also very nice and, I see now, improtant for me to get out of this city. Somedays I feel as though I am being swallowed alive by some crazy busy monster. So as my foto page would show I took some time to relax and enjoy that which was all around me.
Some thoughts have been brewing in the past weeks and are now soon to burst. I hope the explosion comes out something like a poem and more art. I would rather that than an explsion of self pitty which is what my days seemed to be filled with. You know it makes me sick how much I can feel sorry for myself when there are others going through things much worse. Even if they weren't what would be the point in my crying over spilt milk?
I have a friend here who has got this very intresting medical condition that causes her to faint. Now it is not just if she stands to fast or any thing that simple. No, she will faint at any unknown time. Sitting, standing, laughing, crying. Anywhere any time. The thing is she is an amazing sport about the whole deal. She has been on meds to keep her as stable as possible (this brings her down to about 5 faints a day always depending on her day). This past week she has been going off them slowly for she is on her way to montreal to have another doctor look at her. You see the condition she has has never been seen before. She is a new case. They figure there is a miscomunication somewhere between her brain and her heart. This can cause her heart rate to fluctuat in extrem manners, from the lowest possible beats per second to the highest in a manner of seconds. She tells this all with a smile on her face and some sort of laugh in her voice. She can do nothing that would caue her danger. She cannot handle knives, nor can she go to work, she is never left on her own, she can't even drink out of glass. Just think anything that would not be good to run with or fall with she cannot touch.
So why do I complain that I have to go to work tomorrow? I have no good reason what-so-ever.