The anime that I am

Now I am not actually convinced that I am an anime but while walking home from work today I could almost believe it. Now the character that I felt in close contact with is a young girl in one of Miyazakis' films. I do not remember what it is called nor her name but it is one of the only ones He (Miyazaki) has done in/of the city. As I walked home today the fog had down town wrapped closely in its folds of deep, fragmented fabric. There in it's midst stood the tower of Calgary and the offices that surround it. The chilled air brought me closer, directly, to the city that I am outside of and in. As people walk up their stairs to the family waiting within the depths of loving homes I walked by, outside of their worlds yet right next to them. Though it was lonely it was filled with something more. It was as though I were in a dream, or in a theater, watching a sad wonderfully happy scene while knowing that outside of this there is something that is mine and fulfilled, not knowing what it is. I fear that it is something that I cannot explain. Something I had hoped to share with you and now see that it will be of no consiquense to you whether I can make sense of it or not.
- I now plan to wrap myself in a blanket and crochet the night away. I would recommend that you, my loyal reader find something small and meaningless and enjoy it for what it is and what it is not. For in everything there is something and there is nothing, and sometimes the nothing can mean so much more than the something.

Comments..Yes comments

I can't believe it, I finely got them to work. Those little "comment" thingys at the bottom of each blog entry will actually take a comment from you, my loyal readers. This makes me very happy for if you have not yet figured out, one of my favorite things to do is think and even more than that, to hear other people think. So now I can post a question or statement and actually have some one respond. So please do.
-So the latest of things on my mind is something small and trivial but I have noticed it a few times, more often then not. What is it that when people "walk" their dogs often times they will walk slower than if they were to walk themselves? I only ask cause I always thought that the dog walk was for the exercising of the dog. That is as deep as I will delve into any subject at this time, for if I were to go into the deeper thoughts of late I would weigh the whole thing down. So this one I will end with a blessing to you all.
"The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you; , and be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace."

The Beautiful Letdown

It was a beautiful letdown when I crashed and burned
when I found myself alone, unknown and hurt

It was a beautiful letdown the day I knew
that all the riches this world had to offer me
would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown when you found me here
and for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear

I'll be a beautiful letdown that's what I'll forever be
and though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails and the rising sun
and our dark water planet still spins in a race
where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here I'm gonna set sight
and set sail for the kingdom come
Your kingdom come. Won't you let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Jonathan Foreman from the band Switchfoot

Crochet, chocolate, and the sky

Now what do these all have in common you may be asking? Well it all starts with the chocolate actually. At work to day I had a small bit of the stuff and almost freaked at how I needed some more. I decided then and there to have some as soon as I got home. So as I sit and eat this glorious food I crochet (again) the start of a hat. Again I freak for again I am failing to create the perfection that I am so apt to try for (I will not say achieve). In the midst of all this glory and trial I remember how the sun set and the feelings that were aroused.

As of late, ever since I got my own place in the midst of the city, I have missed the sky and it's glories. Now I knew this was the case but was reminded by a friend on the weekend what it was I truly was missing. This friend was not in any way trying to have a one up on me it had just come up in our conversation a few times. So at work today I stood at the window with a new longing for something I could not have. As the sun set I knew I was denied the larger portion of the beauty created by my God. For there in the sky was the pink lining of sunset and the ESSO sign, today gas was 61.9. The tears did not manage to flow past the brim for the phone had rung and I was stung back into reality. I see no stars at night and if I look up to retrieve them I am blinded by some street light or another. It is a strange jungle I live in.

Nail polish

Now the reason I am to write on this subject is for one reason. I have just finished putting some on my nails and while I did so was remembering my first time with the stuff. It was a day with mom in town (there for us kids ran wild) I got into moms old nail polish. Now she had not worn any in years at the time and I was still at a young enough age that I did not think being a girl was cool (I did have four brothers and I had to impress them all). I looked at all these "gaudy" colors and thought to myself "how obnoxious" Oh but I must try. I did and as I let it dry for but a moment I told the boys how "only prostitutes wore such garish garbage". I did not think my mom strange for having worn these exact products before my recollections, it was just not for me. I promptly ran to the cupboard and erased (as well as one could in those days) the signs of such nasty work.
I now wear it and with full gusto. It is amazing how ones mind can be changed with some years. Now the colors I choose are those that would have had the younger me crying out "hooker", A-Me, youth.

The day of hazardry

Okay first off I know that is most likely no a word but I liked it and felt it fit perfectly for what I am about to divulge.
-It all started on the Thursday of this last week. The day was slow and non-eventful. I spent it cleaning and doing all my other non-glorified jobs around the salon. A woman of oriental descent (this is improtant for it tells of the difficulty in cutting of such hair types) walked in a said she wished to receive a hair cut. All right, seeing as I am the only one not booked with clients I am liable to gain all walk-ins. This, by my thinking is no problem, and in a sense good. For hopefully if I do well they will come back and therefore I shall gain clients.
-It started out all right, though she asked that I not wash her hair and just cut it dry. This is hard for me to want to do and as I found out later not such a good idea. In the end I believed I should be capable of doing what was asked of me. She first asked to loose about four inches in total length. Now when I approach that much hair lose I go about it cautiously and slowly, asking many times if this is truly how much to take off. NO fears I did not take it to short. I then proceeded to put in some layering which is quit straight forward though, when the hair is dry and smooth as hers was, it can fall out of the hands easily and be hard to manage. (I found this out when it was to late). I managed quit well or so I believed. There was a moment of tension that seemed to grow as she felt one side longer than the other and I felt not. It was then that she decided she had had enough and was ready to go. She left and I felt confidant that I had done well enough.
-The next day proved otherwise. In walks my friend of the day before and her husband. I, crawling up from behind the counter I had been cleaning, am met by a cold finger pointed in my face and the icy words, "That is the one who cut my hair". Now I, never having been accused of a wrong doing in my hair cutting, am thinking that they are back to get his hair cut by me. This is but a flash in my mind. The cold hard truth crashes through my confidence when he goes on to say that she is not happy with the cut and feels it is choppy and messy. She wants it fixed but not by me. She would rather have Teresa (whom she had but met the day before) do it. I book the appointment for later that day and then head back to the freedom of our own work space in the back. The place where all hard feelings are fought out and gone through before heading out where none shall see but our smiling faces. I admit I cried bitterly. Now I know this is sad but I take these things personally and fear the worst. I fear what Teresa will say when she sees the awful mess I made and the scolding I shall afterwards receive. Now these fears are so overly egsadurated in my mind it is but a jock that one day I shall laugh about but not at the time. I also in my year and a bit of hairdressing have never had a complaint, this stings like a knife in the gut. Now this could be because most are afraid to come back and stab me as such or because I am that good. After this experience I shall think the first to be the truth.
-She did return and the whole time that my boss went through her hair she complained of the crookedness, and hacked at look of the over all work. I watched the whole of the affair in hopes of learning something from this. I did. Never let someone walk all over me and tell me how to do my job. I shall cut hair wet for I cannot do it otherwise. Dry hair always gets away and this is where most of my trouble came. Not only that but the side that she had claimed, while in my chair, was the shorter, was found by Teresa to have been the longer (for I had trimmed a little off the opposite side). I had not stuck with what I believed to be true.
-in the end I learnt some new things. Teresa also said to me in the back that it was not close as bad as she had led us to believe in fact it was not bad at all.

Time well spent?

All right I am here for a short moment in time. So I plan to pose this one question and flee. I shall return in a pace of a heart beat pluse some.
-I ask, what is it that causes us as humanbeing......excuse me, What is it that causes I as a humanbieng to do things I wish later I had not done. Now the reason I plee for your forgiveness is that it is unfair of me to assume that all sin as I. Yes we all sin but as I, that is the qeustion I do not need answerd. No what I ask is this. Why do I use my time unwiselly? I have been created in a relm of time, I should base my life on this in a not so hapazard manner.
-I plan to have things done but the way I utilise my time does not allow for it. I'm sure I could get more done in a day but I mess up here or there. NOw do not fear for I do not plan to fret over this as I have other things in life. For instanse my three month job reveiw. It went well but it brought up things that I can see myself fearing in the not so distante future.
-Now the thing that is hard for me is I do not wish to sell. I do not wish to try to convince people they must have what they do not feel they want or can afford for that is not my mind. Though I do agree that there are things people can use to better the quality of their hair there are other things in life than just that. How do I tell people they must do one thing when truelly thier prioritys lie elsewhere? I do not yet know how I feel about this and I will update you later. As for now I will try to better use my time by laying in my bed and getting the much needed rest that is mine to grab hold of.
-For now may the God of the universe bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you with the light of truth.

Gods love

I want it to be enough. I want to not need anymore than that. But it seems not to be. I seem lonely when alone. I feel the need for a family of my own. What is it in me that cannot be satisfied with just the God of the heavens? He is more than anyone could ask for and yet I want more. Why?
-The thing is I have no answer to this question. Yes I have been told in the past and this I do believe, That God himself has created me with the desire for marriage. But while I am not married I wish to not have this desire. Can't He just turn it off and on when I ask Him to. Like the switch of a light. "Lord there is now a man in my life could you please turn on the desire to love him" and "Lord now he is gone could you please turn off the desire for marriage." But no, it is a torment that I must go through daily. I have had many friends tell me (now married) that before they were married they did not want it and that is when it has happend for them. Well I have never had that state of mind though I try and I try. I am happy single, it is the best way for me right now. I could not ask for anything better and yet. And yet the nagging in me goes on.
-Life is so good, I am so happy. I look back and thank the Lord I did not marry young. There is so much I have learnt that I would not have if married at 19 (which I must admit I had thought I wanted). NO this is the best thing that could have happend to me. My life could not be in better hands. So I will praise HIm for all He has done and all I know He will continue to do. For God you are my God and I will ever praise you, from the depths of my heart I thank you.