Where to go when your on your own.

Do you ever get that feeling of wanting to be somewhere all together different? You no longer want the job your in or the city, let alone your apartment and all the things that go with it. You just want to be out of here. Well if not let me tell you how it goes.
-For me I woke up fine and in a short half hour was ready to be somewhere else. Now it usually comes on slow and even if it comes on fast you don't realize till it is to late. The next thing that happens is you try to decided where it is you would like to be instead. Now this morning it took me awhile (I was already at work) to realize the truth about this whole phenomenon.
-Fact: It will come on no matter where you are in life, settled or not, happy or devastated.
-now the other thing about this whole thing is usually you will not be able to tell anyone what would truly make you happier. Oh, give me a holiday, then I'll be fine, give me a better job that is true happiness. I think I now know what the real longing is for. It is for the one true home we were created to live in. The life we where ment to live. It is before sin. It is now in heaven.
-When life is hard I always imagine what could make it better. For me, when I am lonely I think marriage will solve all these problems. Now I know that, to a degree, this can be true and also not. There will always be someone there, yes but at times they will not be or worse yet you will get tired of each other. I am thankful that I don't still imagine it (marriage) to save me from living out in the real world or financing my life. Nor do I look to it to solve my problems with not being able to feed myself. I used to hate the kitchen now it is one of my new best friends. But I still think I put to much expectations on the poor sucker who takes me through the church. Hope by that time I will have become even more secure in being on my own. I don't want to be dependent on some one to keep me entertained.
-And now that you all know even more of my secret thoughts, I will leave you with it

Things that change lives

A list, that is what I would love to give you. A numbered segregation that could show you the things that change the lives we live and the lives around us. I can't, there is no way. For one thing I would never be able to come up with all the things. If I did it would go on for a life time. Secondly, the things that I know can change lives, like mine or maybe yours, will still not fully show the things that can change the lives of those on the other side of the world or for that fact, next door. Thirdly, I would not care for the list to depress you but chances are it very well could. Why would it do so? Because so often the changes out there come from bad situations and, because we are humans, the changes will not always be good.

To love someone could change your life to good for a short while and, if they leave you, make your heart break. What you do with the tearing within is what will change you forever. No longer will you love the same, never again will your heart be scarless. I go through these things and know not what to do with them at times. One day the anger enrages me. I fear love and hope never to be seen again. Then a year will go by and I will wonder what the hatred brought me. Only the fear it has caused. I let go and allow the Lord to enter in and create the new being that He wills. I am Gods and no others. If any of you wish to know who I am I will tell you. I am Gods child. I may enter a room where not a soul has seen me nor understood who I am and I can still walk in confidence for I am know by God and He is all that matters.

Green cottage cheese and month old pineapple

Hey When you live alone and there are no other options what is one to do? Yah,Okay, I don;t have to eat it but man what a waste to just dump it. If I write back in a few days to complain of stomach cramps we will all know why.

So I did something I thought would never be possible for me. I got internet right here in my apartment. This was all possible thanks to many people. I would like to thank my uncle and aunt for the computer, my friend Paul for the Ethernet thingy on the back of said computer, Telus for the internet service (which I must pay for so thanks for all my future bills as well), and lastly myself for the whole install of all components.

MMMMmmm, The liquids in this cottage cheese seem a little thick. Yum, Yum.

So if any of you ever saw my room at home you can only guess where the watership down is headed. Honestly it's not to bad at this time. This could be possible by the fact that there had been nothing to distract me until now. Soon I start my class. For those who do not yet know I will start a German class on the 27th. I'm a little nervous but all in all it shall be good.

I am reading the book that inspired the name of my rabbit hole. I see now even more how perfect the naming of my place has been. The rabbits all leave a situation that is about to come around for their warren predicted by one of the smaller rabbits. Through their journey there is pain and set backs but when they make it to the down they know they are home. Once there the all male group of rabbits realize that the warren they are building will be of no use in a few years if they by pass on a few does. (I also realize that this could happen for me if I by pass the male factor in my life.) (Hee Hee). Anyways the rabbits manage to get two does from a near by farm but much pain is gone through to get to this. In the end this is not enough for they shall all fight over these two so they must head out to another warren and try to get some more does to come with them. I am now here in the book and also in my life. The farm I went to had no supply of males my age so I must head out again. :)

Ha! Got you all. Yes I am reading the book but my life doesn't parallel it quit so closely.

Ah let me think, where to start for it has been much longer than I can, well, than I can remember.
oh I know you all look at this and think "no way on earth her memory could be that bad" truth be known'st to you it is.
So much pain, so much suffering, and I have what is called a good life. The loneliness has left me for now and I only float through the pain to be left in the sea of........... Okey never mind, I cannot think deep thoughts at this time.

there is alot happening in my life but it is still for me to work through and you may not hear of it at this time. I will talk to you all later.

One of my latest poems

I wore this on my heart
It shone beyond, to the deep
Being something torn apart
Never again will these eyes sleep

My heart bore its weight
Those below did not see
The full but empty slate
The never ending me

It was a lie held close
From the depths it was denied
The incomplete, the false
The tears I never cried

I now will ask a question again of all of you and again I expect no answer.

Anyhow here comes the question. How is it one can have one emotion so strongly entrenched in their being that even when they feel they have removed it from themselves forever it still comes back in a flash of flame and fire? Okay so you all read that question and said 'what the heck does she mean? Are we even at the right blog spot here? She never makes sense but this has gone to far' Well let me explain what I mean. I will use myself as an example for at this time I am in such a complexity.

okay so it all goes back to before Christmas and through till now. Actually it goes a lot further back then that. I have always had a hard time with being lonely. Now it is not because people do not like me or don't hang out with me (no really this is true) It is because it is an emotion that has always eaten me from the inside out. So as of late (before Christmas) I have been feeling less lonely to the point of wondering if I should ever want to live with someone again (I like the freedom). So I returned after my trip and have been consumed with this feeling of aloneness. Now some would be sorry for me others would tell me to suck it up and move on. Mainly I post this question not so you can feel sorry for me. Yuck no! I post it for it frustrates me. It is not even so frustrating in that I am alone but in the fact that it feels like a math equation that I cannot figure. Like sitting to figure out why the earth goes round and not understanding.