True Love

These days I've been asking myself a question.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Can I actually live this way all the time?

I have seen that I do not. If I am kind I am not always patient, if I do not boast I envy those who have what I want. Why am I so unable to truelly love? I was once told that if I want to love truelly then I must be loved. That I must be loved I assumed to mean that I must except it. For GOd loves me no matter who I am. Besides that, He created me as who I am. Today I broke, I had hit the bottom. I saw I could never be wholly loving. It hurt me to the core. I ached with the fact that I will always fail. Yet I am reminded of a passage from my favorite Psalm

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me,
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off......
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid your hand upon me........

This Psalm goes on to talk more on Gods never ending knowledge of us. What I am so thankfull for is that though God knows me inside and out, even to the deepest meaning of my words (which at times could be fatal) He still hedges me from behind and before. He searches me, He knows me.

The Psalm is ended with

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxieties;
See if there is any wicked way in me
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I ask this of God today, I am afraid of seeing the truth of my own self and wish not to have to search the depths of my own soul and yet there is such peace to know that the God of heaven and earth would do this and not reject me in the end. He would only wish to lead me out of the traps I have laid for myself.