My future

Today I found out I am to have a review on Thursday. My Boss asked me to consider some thing for that day. I have never liked this question and don't ever feel I can answer it truthfully. I have gotten away with not answering it for the past few years but fear I now have no choice.

Where do you see yourself in a year, three years, and five years?

My answer? I don't honestly know. I used to. But according to what I used to see in my future I would at this time have been married for nearly five years and planning soon to start having kids. My husband and I will have traveled together, seen the world. Spent time getting to know each other, learning how eachother works, thinks, and feels.

This is not the case. I am alone in a small basement suite in Calgary AB. I never saw it coming. That's the way I live. Unknowing of what is to happen next. I'm happier this way. I don't get disappointed to easily. Am I wrong to live by the day? To let my life be blown in the wind? How do I explain to someone outside of God that my life is in His hands and I'm happiest there. That if He told me to pack up and take off I would or if He told me to sit tight for another year I also would. That if I get married in the next couple years I would go where my husband went (unless of course he had no job an we both agreed that it were best I stayed with mine).

Truth is I am upset that I don't have any dreams. It bothers me. My dream has always been to marry and share my life with someone, that hasn't changed. But if I am to continue on the way I am I should probably start thinking long term goals. Alone. Just me and God. Why can't I get over this other dream, this one of sharing my life with a man? Why is my heart so set on this? It is not chocked out by independence, no, instead it is only made stronger.