Fight to the death

What is it that makes a person go on, When they feel their heart is broken and all their hopes have been dashed to the ground with a painful shattering effect?
Why is it a person will fight to the death, When truly they may feel they have nothing to live for? They will not just lay back and allow the sword to penetrate to the bone in the back of them.
When is it a person finds they have reached all they were reaching for, When what they are reaching for is unattainable in this life?
Where will a person be when they have achieved all their goals, especially when they do not even know what their goals are. Worse yet, they do know what their goals are but there is nothing they can do to reach them.

My goals, Nothing that makes sense to this high tech world. A world where women are now equal to the men. Now we can walk around in a business suit and smell of aftershave. We can own a business and boss around the men that work for us. Should I not wish to achieve a high end job? Well I don't. My goal is to have a family. Bare foot a pregnant in the kitchen, With a man by my side. I do not work full time nor did I start hair dressing in hopes of going far in the hair world. Nor is it my desire to make a fortune. No, I am here where I am because my goals are at this time unattainable. I cannot reach them on my own. I realized I could not sit around doing nothing while I waited for my dreams to fall in my lap. I am still waiting, I will wait until my Father in Heavens feels it is time, in the mean time I am taking care of my work. I am doing my part in the game. I am a team player and right now the team consists of myself and God.
What makes a person go on when it seems all their dreams have been smashed? A heart that desires to follow a loving God. I will do that with my head held high.
"Fight to the death"

Small town feel

Yesterday as I was pouring water into the coffee maker when I had this sudden urge to be home. Not only home but in Oak Lake, working in the ice cream shop? What it was is I got this flash back, not to how much I liked working in that shop, No instead to this feeling of how I was getting to know what each regular customer liked when it came to their coffee. You see there was something to that. To being in a small enough community that it feels like nothing is going anywhere and everyone knows everyone else. I wanted that to be the case.
As I thought on this it occurred to me. I am in a situation now that is the same but I have gotten to know the people in my "small town" here much better than the ones back home.
You see here there is a circle of people that I know very well already. There is Inge: An older (78? Or even in her 80s?) German woman. I know that she absolutely loves the Calgary flames. She goes to games with another fellow 20 to 30 years her junior. She has a lot to say on politics. Particularly anything that may have to do with ones right to free speech. She has been under communism twice and feels she is strangely headed towards her third time if things don't stop going in the directions they are headed. Lastly I know that Inge has her Coffee with the smallest amount of cream. In her words (Please do not be offended, remember she has been through many years and is not always politically correct) "like a Negro"
Next we have Mrs. Paul: This is one I have mentioned in the past but will now go into further detail. She is the one who gave me the record player. I know that Mrs. Paul has two cats and a granddaughter that is living with her till their house is built out of town. The GD also has a cat as well. The things these cats do I also know about. I know that Mrs. Paul has a lot of nothing to say and will say it endlessly. This has gotten on my nerves in the past but I am trying to see it now in a new light. The one of absolute silliness. I know that she will ask me how the record player is working and that when I say fine she will say "Good I just wanted to make sure I didn't give you a bum deal. Now I was told that if there is a crackling in the speakers it is just dust, just let it run for a bit and it will go. Now have you tried the tape player?" NO Mrs. Paul I have not "OH cause my mom had a few tapes but she mostly played records. Now does the stereo work alright? I know the stereo works fine and the record player is all right?" node "good if there's any crackling in the speakers its just the............." I also know that Mrs. Paul will take her coffee while she is under the dryer with a bit of cream and sugar and no, she will not have water today "though I know I should drink more water, I really should have more water.............................."
We also have the towns grouch, Edna: I know that Edna will not be impressed with the weather and that she will use the Lords name in vain to let us know how much she does not approve. The wind will be to strong, the sun to bright, and the clouds to thick, it will be cold and miserable and the day will have not been so good even yet. I know that she will have nothing much to say but words of sickness, discomfort and most likely smuged glasses to boot. I also know that at one time she was not such a grouch for she was the baby sitter of one of the salon woman's sons. Yes at one time life was good. Then something happened. I know that Edna will take her coffee black and HOT. Even if it is fresh from the pot it will need to be mic'ed for twenty minutes. Don't' even ask just do it. Or she will swear under her breath.
These are but three of the regulars. There are more and then there are the people I work with. If I know small community feel I know it is my salon, Essentials.

Work

Today I entered the back door at work and a memory most terrible hit the for front of my mind.

THE TILL WAS OUT $800 ON SATURDAY!

This is a nasty thing for that means it must have gone somewhere. Now the thing that made this most nasty state a thing to not look forward to was the fact that my boss has by now seen this and is panic stricken. I was right, she sat at the front with a cloud over her head. Now if you have never seen this effect Then you have not seen a shop owner who has found out $800 is missing from the till. The cloud hung over her for about an hour. My heart continued to sink, deep into the depths of me, burning a hole in my shoe. Now not only did my heart sink for my boss but also in fear. Not of being caught for what I have not done but instead of being accused of the same.
You see my boss has had a few of her apprentices mess her up. Steeling scissors worth a couple hundred. She was very apprehensive of hiring me from so many bad experiences. Now I knew that I had built up a very good reputation for myself but a persons mind can run in all directions when they have ruled out the possibility of a client somehow steeling said cash.

It was found to have been hidden in the debits. See what happened is one of the other girls totaled up the debit machine while I added the cash. She then put the debits in the pile of other debits from this month as we always do. I had not yet added all cash and debit totals to see if the till balanced so I proceeded to remove the debits from the top of the pile to add. Problem was that she had placed that days on the bottom of the pile and not the top. So the day I had added to the total was actually Fridays and not Saturdays. 800 dollars less.

My boss swore. I understood, she even had tears in her eyes. She was ready to cry when this all came to light. She then told me how she found her mind going all possible directions. She did not say it but I know that she thought it.
It had crossed her mind, she had feared the worst, one of us last two had walked out the back door with a fist full of cash. She had gone through the scenario in her mind on how she would ask us if we took it and we would proceed to deny it. She had thought it all. I know, I saw it in her eyes, heard it in her voice. I was relieved not because I had gotten away with something but because she had been spared the agony of firing one of us, believing that we would not admit to the trust broken. She was freed from the pain.

The day the music died

Made you look. There is no dead music only a new addition to the Angels family (my own little world). I have brought into my home a digital camera and have already started to add fotos to my foto page. They should be in the "new foto page". They are there for all to enjoy. Check it often for I believe I shall post often. Work is next on the agenda for the day and I must head. Have a good one all and one.

What is it that will cause some of the older generation to come away from a funeral and say that it was lovely? Why is life easier to handle when we are listening to one type of music? Why does life seem so far from ending and yet when the end is near we are afraid of what is on the other side of the end? Where is the heart of a lover? Where is the mind of a lost soul? Why can't I figure out what to do with my life? I have had thrown into it so many things that I am now fully lost. Where did the sensible confusion of childhood go?

As I was walking home from work yesterday I was listening to Boards of Canada, "Music has the Right to Children". My confused life looked even more so with the melancholy of the tunes that rung through my head, yet.......It was the most peaceful I have felt in so long. When the turmoil is more than I can handle I loose all sense of fight. How can I fight that which is beyond my reach? My sword does not fall that far. Nor does my lance reach to that height.

I want to convince people to be something they are not. I want to force them to believe something, or to feel something. This thing in my heart which I hold so dear, I want it to be theirs too. If you are eating a wonderful meal and you know it is good to eat but the one next to you sees it as a thing wholly different, you cannot change their minds.

I want to scream in hopes that this would solve all my problems, instead I lean all of my heart on God and In His mind boggling peace I am over-whelmed

The old woman I'll be

I'll look at you through deep set blue eyes that pierce to the core of your being with love and joy. You will know me with a glance and see through all the wrinkles to the center of what I stand for. But to find if you are right you will have to search deep and hard. My hair will be grey in the most yellow of grays for it will not be silver but a dull mousy grey color. My hair will have thinned and I will have to perm it in hopes to make it look full. Through my thin hair on the back of my neck you will find a black symbol that is distorted by the folds of my skin. I will stretch out the folding epidermis to reveal that which I still find reminds me of what I believe. My heart will be less settled and I will be more anxious for that which is to come. I will not fear life ended but life unended. I will be a joy to be with at the same time a reminder of youth long past and vitality far behind. You will laugh at my jocks and pity my broken, old body. And I will rejoice in what I have become for I am old and wise and soon to go home.