Stranger things have happened

Something strange has happened to me in the last month or so and it has caused me once again to evaluate my life. I am always amazed at how quickly I can go from total confidence that I know what is going on to complete confusion. The details of my life right now are even beyond my own understanding so I will not, nor would I, attempt to explain. What I will do is show you that I can go from a light hearted state to a not so light feeling in a short, but intense week.

Now when it comes to this strange place of my life it is not new but I am thankful to say that how I feel about it is. This is only possible with my Father in heaven holding me in His mercy and peace. His peace surpasses all my understandings. The things that are around me at this time are beyond my control, there is no way I can do a thing about them and I want to so badly it hurts. The pain of it is deeper than I fear I have ever known before and yet I am at more peace than I have ever been. I find this place to be so ironic it makes me laugh, I am not all gathered into myself but instead feeling more than ever for the people around me. This is not usually the way I react to these things. The care I have for my fellow man is also beyond my understanding.

I want to impact those that I am near and I fear I am not. I wish for God to work through me but fear that somehow I have closed myself off. That somehow I have shut Him out of my life. Though I talk to Him daily have I in some way caused it to be impossible for Him to do/have His will in my life? I want for the world to know that He is my Lord and savior and that we all, as the human race, need Him. But do I live this in my daily life? Do people who I work with and live near know that there is a God who loves them, do they see this in me? And please do not think that I want an answer for these questions. This is not me asking you for affirmation about my well being but instead my verbalizing my thoughts so as to, if it is possible, come a little closer to understanding it myself.