Lately I have been desiring to write another one of these cause I want to say something. Yet if you were to ask what I wanted to say I would strangely anounce that I am not sure what. This is strange for usually when I want to write one of these it is cause I have something in particular to speak out.
Maybe I will just fill in the void of the past months or so. I have been in Canada for over three months now and it is strange. When I was first back Missed India like crazy yet I felt I could not really fall back on memories. Now though they will come to me in flashes Like and LSD flash back (Well I've heard that LSD can have flash backs). Suddenly and just out of the blue. And it is not just some memory it is a feeling that overwhelms me. Like if I were to close my eyes and open them again I would be there, in India.
Today is the second last day of my time in Manitoba. I leave here on Wednesday and this gives me a sore feeling in my gut though I know not why. I came out here for the birth of my nephew who's name is Indiana Gibson. I am so proud of that little guy and of his name. In my opinion it is AWESOME!!!. I love him already and now I will have to leave him till Christmas. And my nieces. It makes me sad. These are "my" kids. I already miss them so o o much.
And what do I go back to? A job. Gladly for me I also have my parents and one of my brothers there. I was talking to one of my sisters in law and my brother has told her that she doesn't have to work. That he would be happy to have her live at home and be a wife, a home maker, to do what a woman was made to do. Make a home. I have been watching as my younger brothers and their wives make homes for families and I go to have a job to buy my favorite CD's, yay for me? It's not so bad I know, I have gotten really used to it and lately I realize that I actually have a fear deep inside of me of marriage. So many questions go through my head as I get older. Could I actually be a wife? Truth is it scares me now. I see it for what it truly is, an adventure that you can have no clue about until you've started it and then you're in for good. What if I were to fail it? In the end not be strong enough to climb that mountain wall.
God only knows. Maybe this is why I am still single. I used to think it was cause there was something wrong with me now I see it is cause I truly am nervous of it and run or push it away in some strange way. If you love something let it go? How about, if something scares you squeeze it till it runs from you. Then at least it looks like you want it but it is still pushed out of your life.